New Year, Old Me: Noticing What Returns

January often arrives with a sense that something should be different. The calendar turns, routines reset, and there’s an unspoken expectation that change will follow. And yet, for many people, what shows up instead isn’t novelty but familiarity - the same thoughts, the same tensions, the same relational dynamics.

This can feel discouraging. I thought I’d moved past this. Why am I here again? There’s often an assumption that if something returns, it means we’ve failed to deal with it properly. But repetition isn’t usually a sign of failure. More often, it’s a sign that something is still asking to be noticed.

Patterns tend to repeat because they once made sense. They may have helped us adapt, stay connected, survive, or feel safe. Even when they now feel limiting, frustrating, or painful, they often carry the imprint of something that worked at an earlier time. When they resurface, it’s not because we haven’t tried hard enough to change, but because they haven’t yet been met in a way that allows them to soften.

These patterns often show up most clearly in relationship. We might notice ourselves taking on the same roles with partners or friends, feeling the same pull toward certain dynamics, or getting stuck in familiar cycles of closeness and distance. They can also appear in work, in how we manage responsibility or avoid it, or in the body.

From a relational perspective, patterns don’t exist in isolation. They live between people, shaped by early experiences and carried forward into present-day relationships. What emerges in the therapy room often mirrors what happens elsewhere - but the difference in the therapy room is that it can be slowed down, held, and made visible. In that space, patterns can be explored rather than acted out, and responded to rather than judged.

Change, when it comes, rarely arrives through force or resolution. It tends to emerge gradually, as something becomes conscious and is met with curiosity rather than urgency. Being able to recognise a pattern as it’s happening - and to have it reflected by another person - can open up a small but significant shift. Not an immediate solution, but the beginning of choice.

The start of a new year doesn’t have to be about becoming someone else. It can be a time to notice what returns, and to wonder why. If something familiar is showing up again, it may not be asking to be fixed or eliminated, but understood.

If you’re curious about exploring recurring patterns in a relational, reflective way, you’re welcome to get in touch via my contact page.